Sa Wa Dee Kah Hua Hin.

Edie and I woke up early at the Beach house on Friday morning. It was a scorcher, but we decided to go for a run anyway.

We left the property—inching our way slowly off the veranda as the barking dogs were eyeing us suspiciously—and made it to the main road. We ran for 30 minutes; finding a groove that I personally felt liberating! I missed running with people! And we chatted along the way too!

“sooo…” *puff puff* “Did your family come out to visit you in Thailand?” *puff puff*

“Yeah…” *huff huff* “But I think they were excited to go back to Michigan after two weeks” *huff huff*

We passed street vendors, chickens, more dogs, men in trucks and gun toting guards.

We returned to the beach house after our run and made a B-line for the sea. I kicked my socks and shoes off and ran knee deep into the warm water. I splashed my sweat-soaked face. Coated my arms. Eventually, my breath began to slow as it matched the ebb and flow of the rolling ocean waves.

After our cool off, we headed back to the house. Ning and Goy were finally awake on the veranda.

We made a quick plan for the day: showers, head to Ning and Goy’s resort ‘Sunset Hua Hin’ as they had some quick work to take care of, get some food, then head to the beach!

After showers we rode with Ning and Goy to The Sunset Hua Hin. I had seen blueprints and designs of this place when I was staying at The Restdot hostel—which I later found out Ning and Goy are the actual owners of!!!—but seeing the Sunset in person was a horse of a different color! This place was paradise! It reminded me of California and my dad’s old construction sites.

People were still hard at work building walls, coating floors, installing electricity etc. It is essentially a shell of a place…but you can see the meat and bones already!

To To who Edie and I had met the night before had done a GREAT job painting murals on a few of the walls of the sunset. I was captivated. Edie and I broke off and explored the work site. I let her take some photos and I stuck my head in vacant rooms, nooks and crannies. I felt 5 years old again, sneaking around my dad’s construction sites. Tempted to touch exposed wire. Smelling fresh coats of paint and secretly liking the noxious fumes. There was a buzz about this place.

Goy’s mom offered to drive us to the nearest mall to get some food since Ning and Goy were still tied up speaking to the CCTV installers.

Walking around in the sun, having had gone on that hot run earlier, and not eating any breakfast was taking its toll. My blood sugar began to drop.

Fast. 

I don’t remember getting into Momma Goy’s car. I don’t remember the ride to the Mall.

 I just remember Edie sitting across from me at a table near the front door of the mall saying, Do you need food??

Trapped in my body.

I nodded.

“Okay I’ll be RIGHT back! Stay here”

 Edie was gone.

 I was shaking uncontrollably.

I couldn’t think straight. Dark clouds of those black thoughts flooded my sugar deprived brain cells. 

Trapped.

I forgot I had TONS of glucose gel in my bag.

I sat, cold. Goosebumps rose from my skin.

Sounds gave me a headache.

I couldn’t speak.

My eyes darted back and forth.

Was everyone looking at me?

Had I made a scene??

Edie returned with juice and two bowls of vegan rice and veg. 

We ate.

 I started to feel brain activity again.

 “Ahhh I’m so sorry! I’m so embarrassed!” I said

“You were fine! Don’t be!” she said reassuringly. “You scared me, you looked really bad!!” she said. She had been texting her nurse friend back in the states asking for advice. She did a smashing job.

After 15 minutes and a hell of a headache, I was back down to terra firma. Part of this world. Not the floaty scary OTHER life of the low.

We got up and walked around. My stomach hurt.

Ning called me and said she would take us to the beach finally. We waited outside for the car.

The beach was glorious! There were hills in the distance, other tops of islands cheekily peaking through the ocean on the horizon. The sand was hot and crunchy in bits, soft and cool in others. Men dressed as cowboys rode tiny horses, yelling at beach loungers to try and get some business.

 Men selling jewelry and scarves came up to sell their wares.

It was a beach with a pulse. 

We dove in. The water was warm. Like a magical bath. Edie and I floated, talking about the divine power of ocean femininity. The link between water and sexuality, the moon and a woman’s cycles. We began to laugh as our splashing time became a “sex ed” health class talk. But I loved it. I believe in it. The moon, the water, the great femininity. I find it beautiful and empowering. If only those blinded by patriarchy were aware of the tremendous feminine power…but I digress.

We got out, ordered drinks. Watermelon slushee with vodka, coconut shake with rum, beers….we were very relaxed.

Ning arrived back to the beach hours later, with Chloe—the jewelry maker from the hostel in Bangkok—in tow. They yelled from the shore. Edie and I were frolicking in the shallows of the ocean. We laughed and ran out to greet them. Ning said she would take us to Goy’s parents flat nearby this beach so we could shower then head back to the mall for manicures and food.

Edie and I hadn’t brought a change of underwear or clothes. We mentioned this, but I think it was overlooked or got lost in translation haha.

We showered at Momma Goy’s and I had no choice but to put on my “shirt dress” with no bra or underwear. I hung my wet towel and bikini up to dry.

Edie at least had shorts and a top on. But we were commando twins.

Our little secret.

We went back to the mall and my earlier memories of the low gave me a sour stomach. the feeling passed. Goy and Chloe got their nails done first. Edie and I found food. We scarfed noodle curry dishes down and had some delicious iced teas.

Then we pottered around the mall to find underwear. I found a shop like Claire’s or Poundland and I bought a pack of “disposable underwear”. Edie and I made a B-line to the bathroom. We cackled and howled from our stalls as we unfolded the “hospital gown” material underwear. It was unusually soft and breathable though. I stuffed the other pairs in my purse…who knows…I may need them later haha.

We went to get our nails done. This was the first time in over 2 years I got a manicure or pedicure. I treated myself. A sea green color that complimented my darker brown skin and Edie a lovely grass green that shone out against her fair skin.

 She spoke in Thai with the women and I sat eagerly trying to soak up the language. The woman doing my nails said she loved my skin. Thought dark was sexier and that she didn’t understand the whitening culture of the people in Bangkok and bigger cities. I loved this. I felt my heart swell with pride. I love my skin too.

We finished. Our hands and feet were on point.

We met back up with the crew upstairs who had been eating dinner.

We all piled into Ning’s car and headed to the night market. I wanted to find a dress for the beach party that would be on Saturday…but I couldn’t find one. I decided to get post cards instead. I wanted to share this experience with my loved ones and I wanted to write. So I gathered my 7 postcards, 7 stamps, and we headed back to the car.

Off to the bar. 

We met To To at this Beer Garden in the Hilton Hotel. More gaudy lights. More cheesy band music. We ordered a beer tower and other drinks. We moved outside. I tried showing off the Thai Edie had been teaching me. We laughed. I spoke French with Chloe. More laughter. It was a table of international bliss.

Back to 7/11 for late night munchies. Then home.

 Edie and I piled in the double bed and chloe in the single. I drifted….deeper and deeper away….

Rolling waves; my lullaby.

Rolling waves; my lullaby.

-DW

Bye Bye Bangkok, Hello Hua Hin.

It was a slow start to the day Thursday. I awoke at Josh’s place where I was couchsurfing. I still had the place to myself and it was nice to come and go as I pleased. I washed my clothes in the machine on his balcony on the other side of the shower in the bathroom.

What a luxury to be able to wash my clothes properly! I had been using bar soap at the hostel to scrub my clothes…old school style…after my mom suggested it; and would wring my clothes out to hang them up. I was used to the sickly damp smell from hang-drying my clothes in Belfast since it was usually too wet and cold to properly have things dry. But here, the heat in the air whisked away any moisture within minutes!

I sliced and devoured an orange. I sometimes forget how sweet and refreshing simple fruits can be. I checked my emails. Responded to messages that had been delivered in the nighttime hours and did some life admin as I waited for Edie to contact me.

We were heading to Hua Hin, a beach town popular by locals. Goy and Ning—who I later found out OWN Restdot hostel where I had been staying in Bangkok!!—are opening a beachside resort there and so they had invited us to come and stay at their family’s place in Hua Hin because they were doing a big beach party launch on Saturday. I had offered my photo services and told them they could use the images for promotional stuff or whatever.

I was excited to get out of Bangkok…the high-rises, smog and lack of lush nature started to suck out my soul.

I grabbed my—CLEAN!!--dry clothes and packedmy little backpack for the weekend adventures.

Called an Uber and headed to the Victory Monument in the city where vans and buses pick up to take to various off shooting locations out of Bangkok.

Victory point is where the vans pick up. It is a little market with scattered stalls wedged together on elevated ground. People slept on benches, tourists looked around wide eyed, trying to find their rides, traffic ebbed and flowed around the victory monument roundabout nearby. It reminded me of a small Champs Elysees there.

Edie was running late. No worries. I snapped some photos and ate a sandwich I had packed.

She finally found me, two bags clinging to her body. We hugged and went over to the stall to buy our tickets. 180BAHT to Hua Hin. Not bad!

We clambered in a giant 15-seater white van and all the stereotypes of 'stranger danger white-van' warnings came to mind. We were the only foreigners in the van. Every seat was full. It took about 40 minutes to just get OUT of the city and move steadily along.

The roads were bumpy and the driver sped. I fell in and out of sleep, surrounded by silhouettes of the other passengers. The jolt of bumps in the road lifted me off my seat. I felt like I was on an amusement park ride. I smiled to myself and tried not to make any audible noises of giddy content as I didn’t want to bring any unnecessary attention to us. But my heart was happy.

I looked out of the van window and saw the MOON!! This was the first time I had been able to see the moon since arriving to Thailand! Bella Luna, my sky goddess. I thought of Hannah and Corneilus. She the Rock in the sky, is our binding force. And that night there were three parts to her. The Shadow of the moon, the actual white blare of the moon’s rockface, and this lovely yellow glow offshooting around her like a halo. The Trifecta. We were united in that brief moon-spotting moment.

After about three hours, the van came to a stop.

“Hua Hin! Hua Hin!” the driver shouted and we skooched ourselves off of the van.

I texted Goy. She told us their location and asked us to meet her and Ning there. It was a 30 minute walk.

We made our way down unfamiliar streets in the dark, talking and laughing. Our spirits were already feeling better, being out of Bangkok. Edie had been feeling the same sort of thing I had.

We met Ning and Goy in an area called Market Village, an adorable “town centre” type of shopping complex. We tossed our things in the trunk of the car and we sped off to the restaurant where Goy’s family had met them for dinner.

We arrived in this open venue with a roof overhead and joined Goy’s family at the table. There was also a man sitting there who was introduced as TO TO. He is an established painter and friend to the two women. He had helped them paint their new resort.

Goy’s family LOVED Edie. Since Edie had been living and teaching in Thailand for the past year, her Thai was way more developed and she can get by conversationally. She courageously chatted away to everyone at the table and laughs echoed out in the night. Ning grabbed a glass, put ice cubes in it, some whiskey and coke. She handed it to me. A drink was poured for Edie. And then food! We had spicy peanuts with scallions and chillies, corn salad with spices and sweet citrus sauce, fried mushrooms, sticky rice.

This bubble of whiskey, food, conversation and laughter made me feel so at home.

I shared more about how Edie and I had met in Belfast a few years back studying at queens. I talked to Ning about when she had lived in America and studied in Chicago. I asked for help with my Thai from Goy and TO TO and we were all in a nice flow of friendly conversation.

The drinks kept coming.

The night got darker.

Time for bed.

We all piled into Ning’s car and headed 10 or so minutes down the road from the eatery to her family’s bungalow. Dogs greeted us at the gates and started yapping their heads off. Edie and I froze. Ning and Goy cooed to the dogs and dropped some bread to distract them. We had to climb some stairs to a balcony. Edie and I got the room with a double bed and single bed and Goy and Ning retired to the room next door. Chloe the French girl from the hostel will be meeting us here tomorrow and will sleep in our room in the single bed.

The sea crashes and breathes just a mere stone skip behind the house. I can hear it and see the glow of moonlight on the water.

I can’t wait to reunite with her, the open sea. Tomorrow will be good.

Sweet Whiskey dreams and Moon Beams.

-DW

Reunions.

Yesterday was my last day at Restdot hostel. I did some more yoga to start my morning (accomplished a long standing head stand which immediately made me think of Hannah) and had a great moment of meditation as I sat; sweat pouring down my body.

I packed my things and called an Uber to my couchsurfing host's condo. I was excited for a change of scenery. It was quite a drive away and I sat wide-eyed at the passing scenery.

I arrived to SYM condo and rang my host. Josh works right across the street from his condo and he left work to meet me. Josh is a Gay man from Vietnam. He is charming and hilarious. We went up to his flat, I dropped off my bags and he took me to the market in the parking lot of his condo. The market was mostly vegetarian so he explained what was what before heading back across the lot to work. I found a cute shop within the market that sold specialty vegan and health foods. I ordered a curry microwave meal, some sweet bean filled pastry, pumpkin pie, and a stevia sweetened tea. It was a scorcher. I made my way back to the outdoor seating of the market and ate my finds. 

I was exhausted. I hadn't gotten much sleep my last night at the hostel, so I decided to head back to the apartment and take a nap. My nap turned into a full on sleep and I awoke to darkness outside. Josh had gone into town so I was alone. Thank goodness, because I was slobbering and covered with sleep lines. I dressed in my bikini and headed down to the pool that his condo has. 

Sweet water. I miss the sea. but the pool will have to do. I swam alone (it was really late at night and nobody was around) and did some laps. I always feel most at home in water. weightless, graceful, strong, like a merwoman.

I enjoyed the infinity pool until it started to pour down rain. Usually I would have stayed and continued my swim, but I had my camera and diabetes equipment wit me and I figured I should head inside. 

That's when I found the Sauna. Inside the women's locker room was both a Sauna and a steam room. 

I turned it on and had a sweat. I found myself napping in there with my headphones on. I awoke an our later with sweet tunes in my ears and warm sweat all over my body.

I felt zen. 

I left the locker room and headed back upstairs. Josh was packing for a trip back to Vietnam. He will be gone until the 12th and is leaving me with his house keys to come and go as I please. People are trusting here. I like this.

I went to bed and had the coziest sleep. This was definitely a step up from the hard beds at the hostel. I slept until 3pm today.

I woke up in a panic as I had plans to meet an old friend who I studied abroad with at Queen's.

Edie is from Michigan and we met a few years back in Belfast. She has been living the past year in Thailand teaching English. Today I met her at Lumphini park and it was like no time had passed at all.

We ran to each other and hugged. I miss hugs. It was a sweet embrace. 

We caught up under a shelter as it had begun to rain torrents. Her time over here seemed fantastic! I soaked up every morsel of her words.

Time to get food.

We headed to a vegetarian street market near National Stadium and enjoyed some vegan doughnuts, and spicy noodle dishes.

I liked having someone who speaks english and also understands Thai with me. It helped when it came to ordering food.

We caught up on missed time, relationships, career plans, life ambitions, travel experiences etc. 

Time for drinks.

We left the market and headed to a nifty bar with live music and crazy colored lights.

Mojitos, Screwdrivers and Jim Beams joined us.

We talked of patriarchy and feminism, cultural observations, racism, human cruelty, how to resolve evils...you know...light conversation. And I loved it. I missed this depth. Edie is seriously switched on.

I did a silent prayer of thanks for this reunion.

It was getting late. I ordered my taxi back to Josh's.

And so here I am. An apartment to myself. Enjoying the cadence of city life below. 

Oh...I got a job offer to teach in Mae Saei in Northern Thailand. I think I will take it. Edie had nothing but good things to say about her time teaching...so why not? I wanted to come out here and submerse myself in a new culture. and to heal. I think this would be a door to both.

Things I've noticed out here culturally:

Skin lightening is a THING. The whiter the "better" in these people's eyes. This hurts my heart. You see it in advertisements, in shop products, and in the face to face interactions with people on the street.

Where does this ideal for "whiteness" come from? Why can people not feel completely loving towards their bodies? 

Nose jobs are also a thing. People get surgeries to have a bridge constructed on their noses. 

and the fake contact lenses. 

Again my heart aches.

The DNA and genetics that made each and every one of these precious people are null and void. Lighter, plastic-ier, bluer, skinnier, whiter....it fills the void.

I'm more drawn to my blackness now more so than ever. I love the coil in my follicle, the brown in my eyes, the hue in my skin. These things represent a past and a future that were paved by my ancestors before. I value them. I'm proud of them. I look in the mirror and I feel more love for my exterior than ever before. I will never lighten you dear melanin, never change you sweet brown irisis, never again will I chemically destroy you darling curls. 

I'm learning more about 'people' and what damages we do than ever before. I'm thankful for these life lessons. 

Here's to growth.

-DW

You are here.

Nothing says, "this is going to be a burnt-toast kind of day,"...like some burnt toast.

A woman praying at one of the MANY shrines throughout the city.

I pass by this gorgeous green glass building every day. I especially like it when it catches the sun.

Dapper man at Sarasat Station.

Bubble tea at the mall before talking to my dad.

Pathos.

Enjoy! Fenne Lily: SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/fenne-lily Twitter: https://twitter.com/FenneLily Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/fenne.lily/ jupee: SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/jupeethebeast Twitter: https://twitter.com/JupeeTheBeast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jupeethebeast/ There is no copyright infringement intended for the song or image. If you have an issue with me posting this song or image, please contact me through a YouTube private message.

Some crafts being sold at the Bangkok Cultural Centre Museum.

Because museums are the best place for selfies. 

I was really blown away by the abstract artwork.

The rooms had photos around the walls, and white cubes in every room which had a small movie projector and seats for two people to watch an informative video.

One of the Royal Families from another time.

Traditional head gear for Thai dramatic dance performance.

Typography.

MANGO Vegetarian and Vegan Restaurant. 

Shoes go OUTSIDE silly.

Mango Kambucha.

Fried dumplings on lettuce.

Steamed potstickers.

Mango falafel burger with fries and a garlicy vegan aioli. 

Back at the Banyon Tree Hotel...this time only 300BAHT for two drinks!!

So I've procrastinated writing until I was in a clear headspace to get it all out. Here goes nothing:

The other night my blood sugar was low (for those who are intimate with me and this disease you will know that low blood sugar equals irrational emotional turmoil, borderline depression, and the inevitable tears...even if only for the 20 or so minutes that an episode lasts) in anycase...I was laying in my hostel bed at 2am just weeping. But of course silently so as not to be a rude hostel roommate...

I think it hit me how much I missed everyone in Belfast, how beautiful that time was...how conflicted I STILL am about the putrid darkness that I call the "Tim chapter"....missing my family...the kind gestures that people have done that just moved me. yeah I was sloppy haha.

I had spent a good hour looking at my phone and laptop, hovering my finger over the "Tim" contact. Should I call? Will he pick up? Will he comfort me in this sugarless fervor? Does he even miss me now that I'm no longer there? Will he care about the sights and experiences I've had so far? Will he tell me everything will be okay and I'm strong and I can push through this wall? Will he be a friend?

no. the answer has always been and will always be no.

So I didn't call. And as I lay sweating, sticking to my sheets, shaking with glucose gel dripping from the corners of my mouth, I was proud. How strange to be proud in such a moment? Proud of self control? I didn't care.  I was. and I was stronger for it.

The next day I woke up telling myself, "okay today is YOUR day chickadee! you got this!" and I believed myself...at first. Then it was a shit show.

After waking up and struggling to get my bearings (low blood sugars deprive your brain of essential glucose and leaves you feeling depressed/out of sorts sometimes days later) I went downstairs to make breakfast. I managed to burn my toast...setting an embarrassing flume of smoke all throughout the first level of the hostel. not a big deal right?

right.

but I was fragile. and really annoyed.

Okay...not a big deal...bin the toast and start again. So I did. I realized I hadn't heard from the airport yet and wanted to sort out my lost sleeping bag before my checkout in two days. But then I realized I couldn't find my blue wallet dealy deal with my drivers license, social security card, health cards, the reference number for my lost sleeping bag report that I filed at the airport etc. 

shit.

ok ok ok...not the end of the world...first things first, try calling to sort out the sleeping bag.

so I called the airline and the language barrier made it really hard. Basically even though the lady at the desk told me when I landed on the 27th that they had located my sleeping bag....the person on the phone that day didn't know what I was talking about. She asked for the reference number to look up my case...and I told her I lost the wallet the paper was in...and I'm imagining she was making this face on the other end of the line: -.-

So eventually after about 20 minutes of back and forth, she took my details and said they'd call the airlines again and contact me later.

sorted.

So I left the hostel and went to a pharmacy to get anti itch cream because my legs were on fire. The bug bites from before had gotten worse. During my low, I had scratched them to the point of no return. The sensation was making me genuinely nauseous. My bites were weeping puss.. So I went out, found a pharmacy, got the cream, asked about diabetes stuff as well and got some really useful info. So after lathering the 'Bangkok Balm' on my legs right then and there in the pharmacy, I decided to just get away and hit the museum.

I needed a nice relaxing day of culture to myself. Except I got lost. and ended up at the mall I found a few days back called Tesco Lotus. So I went in...got a bubble tea....as you do...and face timed my dad. I was oddly zen even though my insides were molten lava churning.

He calmed me down from the inside out like the sensei he is. Our chat coupled with seeing a familiar face helped center me. Then my UK phone which I was facetiming him on, began to die...

shit shit shit...how is the airline going to reach me? Then in the nick of time, the airline facetimed me on my UK phone, I answered. They had my sleeping bag. I told them I was coming. we hung up. I ran to a phone counter, bought a Thai phone with data...bam....sorted.

called an Uber, got a lift to the airport. Had to jump through hoops, walk through a thorn forest, climb a mountain, battle a Wizard, walk through coals....but eventually I found where I needed to be and got my sleeping bag!

YASSS!!!

I stayed there to catch my breath and charge my new Thai phone. Then I realized that between the mall and airport I lost the piece of paper with my new cell number on it. 

Kripes.

I texted my dad and asked him to email me the number. He did. what a legend. so I set up whatsapp on my new phone and was able to chat to my family and let them know what the deal was since my other phone had died.

And by that time it was close to midnight and I was exhausted. I Got a lift back to the hostel...and slept the coziest sleep ever in my beloved sleeping bag. little victories.

***

New day, new start. This morning I woke up...AND FOUND MY WALLET IN MY BACKPACKING BAG!! The universe has a funny sense of humor. Today was way better by a landslide. 

I got dressed in my blue dress, tied flowers in my curly mop of hair, packed my bag and headed out the door feeling like I could take on anything. Of course I forgot to put a battery in my camera and had to double back--passing the same people on the street and feeling slightly silly haha--but this reminded me of my dad and his notorious "circles" that he drives in. This made me smile to myself and I began the journey again once I had everything.

I noticed people looking at me. I wasn't sure if it was the flowers in my hair or the dress, but When I looked down and saw 90% legs glowing tawny in the sunlight I laughed out loud. My mom has a joke that I wear "shirt dresses" and I always retort without fail, "It's because I have such long legs! I can't help that I'm so tall!".

I smiled because I felt both of my parents with me, circles and shirt dresses.

My Mp3 player played the perfect soundtrack as I walked lightfooted through town, bopping my head and smiling from ear to ear from my old friend music. I hadn't listened to music in days and this was sweet. A holy moment with me and my tunes. I thought about my friend Pete as I walked down the busy streets and wondered what new music he was listening to these days. For those of you who may not know, he's my music soulmate.

 I finally made it to the museum and got my culture on.

The Bangkok Cultural center is a behemoth of a building! Spiraling architecture wraps up 9 floors. Vendors and artisans sell their masterpieces at decorated tables. A man played guitar and sang into a mic in front of a small gathering crowd. His voice would make you weep it was so soft like silk.

I snapped photos, running from sight to sight, eying sculptures, reading captions, learning about the histories of these people.

I found a photography exhibition and made a B-line.

WOW.

I was in awe. My back began to hurt from bending down so low (the artwork wasn't hung at eye level...more like pelvis level...and so I spent most of the evening booted over in my shirt dress.

hey...what can ya do?

After a few hours of reading and learning, I saw the pitch blackness outside the windows. Geez what time was it?

Dinner time.

SO I decided to treat myself. 

I called an Uber and went to a vegan restaurant called MANGO. It was divine. I bombarded into the joint like a gust of wind had blown me in, and before I could open my mouth, the waitress said, "take your shoes off and leave them outside."

whoops.

I completely missed the GIANT RED LETTERS on the front stoop advising this same thing. I backtracked, kicked my sandals off and put them on the shelving outside of the door like the rest of the patrons had.

MANGO was cute. There were tables and pillows on the floor for ground eating (I had really wanted to sit there...but all the seats were taken) and there was a nice ambiance of warm lighting and buddha figurines.

It didn't take me long to flip through the window and see what I wanted. I ordered some sort of fried dumpling, steamed pot stickers, a mango falafel burger with....FRIES!!! <--I had JUST been talking to Claire about how I wanted a vegan burger and fries! and I also tacked on some mango kambucha. It was enough to feed an army and everyone was looking at me like I was an elephant...I honestly think the waitress was disgusted haha, but I didn't care. it was glorious. 

I had made a silent promise to myself earlier today that I'd ride a tuk tuk...so after my meal, I rolled myself belly first through the door and found one! The guy clearly ripped me off because he heard my accent and asked if I knew the price...and when I stupidly said,

"no?"

He set the price to 400BAHT...but I didn't care. I squealed with delight and moon beams shot out of my cheeks as we zipped and swerved our way at at least 120mph through traffic back to my hostel. It was like a mini party on wheels, his music blared, I slid back and forth on the gaudy upholstery, and neon lights blinked from some hidden places around the vehicle.

As soon as I arrived back at the hostel, two of the employees (from a few nights before, Ning and Goy) invited me back to the banyon tree hotel for drinks where they were meeting chloe (one of the hostel guests whose been here for 2 months working in thailand selling her jewlery line) so I said "yeah!", Freshened up, then we drove over. I felt bloated. I shouldn't have eaten that much o.o

We got there and they told me they used to work there, so they knew everyone who was serving us (they also said not to worry about the price because they would get me a discount...which was really generous!). Then the lady in charge who also happened to be Ning's best friend came over and had wine since she was almost off work (people are so chill out here).

They were speaking Thai and I was just sitting enjoying the cadence of their back and forth that I couldn't follow. Then Chloe rocked up with THREE of her french friends...all guys.

They were all speaking French, and there I sat. A wall between a French and Thai sea. I enjoyed it. I loved the staccato that sang out in each of my ears.

I kept locking eyes with one of Chloe's friends. Theo I think his name was...with a hard "T".

He was a lovely dreamy in a 'polite safe, brown-eyed' sort of a way and he reminded me of  a teenager with his spirit...not really a sexy sentence...but what I mean to say is, there was a rare softness about him that you don't really see in a lot of men these days. He even stopped the conversation once to say that maybe they should all speak English so I could join in.

I blushed.

Had it been this long since I felt some sort of electricity with anyone?

anyways we had our drinks then we all headed downstairs. One of the French guys asked if I wanted to go out and continue drinking with them (Chloe has work tomorrow so she was out)...So I said no >.<

I think I got the fear. 

I want to be in the space of "YES YES YES." But I was too much in my head. I think it will be some time before I feel safe enough with my heart and body to let them both enjoy themselves unapologetically.  

Anyways they were heading off and we did some awkward half hugs and ungraceful two-cheek kisses that are typical when two cultures who aren't used to eachothers customs come together and then they were off into the night.

SO all in all, a few rocky moments, but nothing too devastating. And I can say, I'm really starting to enjoy who I see when I look back at myself in the mirror now. I finally feel like I LOOK like myself again. If that makes any sense. There was a period there where I didn't really recognize the person staring back at me while living in Belfast.

But here...the copper tan, the smooth skin, the almond eyes, the extra ferociously curly hair, the sneaky smile when thinking of "Happy thoughts"...this is who I remember. 

But I'm still on a mission. I DID come out here for one soul reason. And I'm feeling closer and closer to that destination every day.

I'll keep ya posted in the very least.

Bon Nuit and Mango sweets.

-DW

Itch please...

Metal, stained glass and mirror shop I passed by on my stroll.

I want to get more acquainted with the indigenous vegetation here.

Sun stream through the gates of the Australian Embassy; serene. 

Wire spools and street color.

I passed by a Thai hospital clinic. The inside was bleak. I said a silent prayer in hopes of never having to need one of these facilities.

Picturesque gazebo in Lumphini Park.

Water dragon. Very large, very graceful.

Marble Gazebo in Lumphini Park.

Sculpture entitled "A Mother's Love" in Lumphini Park. Built in 1992 as a youth project in commemoration of the Queen's 60th birthday. It made me miss my mom.

Bike reflections.

Weathered man.

Gas station patterns.

The streets are lined with these overpasses to help pedestrians cross the busy streets.

Man on a bike.

Fountain flower.

I was the last guest in my room to wake up this morning. People sure do like to get up and go early. It wasn't a noise or daylight streaming through the window that awoken me...it was the ITCH.

my legs were on fire. I instinctively attacked my ankles with what fingernails I have and scratch scratch scratched away. It's the nauseating kind of itch that puts a queasy quell in the base of your stomach as you attack the surface of your skin. Hello old friend. I remember you from my previous life. I never got bit once in Belfast...so two years of an itch-free summer was a luxury. 

Speckled with raw, puffy, red islands of bumps, my legs looked like cucumber skin from the toes upwards. All those summers working at Diabetes camp prepared me for this. Bring it on. 

I made a toasted Peanut butter & Jelly sandwich for breakfast along with an especially tangy green apple and a sippy box of the sweetest soy & Almond drink. The peanut butter here is divine!

I turned on the TV in the lobby as I ate to catch up on the news. The subtitle button didn't work on the remote so I sat guessing what had transpired during the U.S. Presidential debates as it was overdubbed in a rapid Thai voice.

I gave up after finishing my last bits of breakfast and turned it off.

I knew I had the Skype appointment for that job interview so I  hopped in the shower, put on my black dress, a light coat of mascara, and wiped the sweat from my brow.

Pencil and journal at the ready, I waited for the call to come. But it never did.

I emailed the contact to let them know I was logged in. 

Radio silence.

I resigned to not waiting around inside and getting some fresh air. It's wildly frustrating when people don't respect your time or stick to their word. I felt a pit in my stomach because I had been looking forward to some positive news about employment. There will be more doors to walk through.

I decided to find some anti-itch cream at the 7/11. I tried explaining to the man at the counter what I was looking for, but the language barrier proved difficult. I mimed scratching and contorted my face, then used my best charades movements to act out putting on a cream and being relieved.

"ahh bug" he said, then pointed out some bug repellent lotion. Close, but not what I was looking for. I thanked him and searched feverishly through the aisles for some relief.

I resigned to grabbing the repellent lotion, some muscle rub (I figured I'd icyHot the shit out of these burning pustules), an apple flavored water and some mint gum.

I strolled out onto the street and made my way in the direction of a park I had heard was nearby. Nearby is a relative term wherever you go. I walked for over an hour, exploring side streets, eyeing vendor fares and enjoying the high buzz of street life around me. I snapped photos of people, peculiar signs, food, and general curious sights.

I saw across the way where the park must be and I managed to cross an extremely busy and long highway to make it to the entrance. I must be honest...I did fear for my life haha. Me and street crossing has never been a loving relationship.

The gates to Lumphini Park were a lovely shade of magenta and motorbikes lined the entrance for several yards.

Finally some greenery. Zion in metropolis!

This park gave the Botanic Gardens and Central Park some major competition! River bridges, ponds, lanes for running, twisted trees, picturesque gazebos and music blaring from somewhere on the other side of the park invigorated my senses. 

I walked across a bridge over a small river and a woman was throwing bread to feed some birds with her baby. The topless baby squealed with joy in it's diaper as the birds landed all around it. There were vendors selling these "feed" bags of bread and the locals seemed to love throwing the food about. A man came up beside me and dumped a handful into the water. I looked down and saw these HUGE fish skyrocketing out of the water to get a mouthful. I hadn't noticed what was IN the water below! The aquatic life was new and my heart fluttered...I'm not sure if from excitement or fear. Maybe a bit of both. 

I scanned the water and then I saw her.

A dragon.

A huge bohemoth of a lizard popping its head in and out of the surface of the water. How majestic. How beautiful. I had no words.

I decided to walk on and find a place to perch so I could lather my legs in my 7/11 finds.

I rested on some metal benches under giant green umbrellas and lathered the repellent and icyhot muscle rub on the bites. A sting of cool menthol took over and the fever in my legs began to subside. Sweet relief.

I checked my blood sugar and looked at my camera at the photos I had taken. Then I heard a rustle behind my bench. I turned my head and there she was.

my water dragon friend. Emerging from the water and onto the shore. She reminded me of a cat in her movements. Each step purposeful and tender. Her tongue flickered out and must have been a foot long. I didn't think twice before grabbing my camera and running closer. After a few snaps, she returned to the water, front legs floating behind her and tail rowing her faster and faster away to the other side of the river.

I was in awe. It's not often we experience something for the FIRST time...but every day here seems to be a "first" experience. 

I decided to move on so I could make dinner back at the hostel. Close to the entrance of the gates I saw a statue entitled "A Mother's Love". The bronze woman held up her baby and their faces touched. I missed my mom. What a perfect embodiment of the connection of mother and child. My heart began to pang, but I took some photos anyway before continuing my exit.

The walk back was loud. Had the streets gotten busier? Had it gotten hotter? I was absolutely drenched. Maybe wearing a long sleeved black dress wasn't the smartest. My thighs slapped together, sticking and rubbing from the humidity. Hello old friend.  I remember this. stockingless summers, legs free to unite, making a symphony of summertime music. it's been a while, but I loved the old familiarity of simple layerless garb.

I snapped some photos of the street around me and a napping man on a bench. His skin weathered and his digits mangled from some unknown experience.

I made it back to the hostel and made another coconut cream, peanut butter noodle dish. Full and satisfied, I retired to my room and journaled. 

This place is strange. This place is challenging. This place is a new kind of magic.

I want to tap into the things I love...photography and writing are great to help center me, but I'm more than photos and words. Tomorrow I want to push myself further out of my comfort zone and find a Gallery, Museum, or Temple to tap into a spiritual artsy sphere. 

I messaged the American photographer Zina told me about...we'll see if he gets back. 

I like who I am out here. I feel brave. Infinite. I now know I can depend on ME if no one else. that is a speck of reassurance in this pool of unfamiliar currents.

Dragon scales and fish tails,

-DW

From 60 to 0.

People leave bags of open food scraps for stray dogs to dispose of them.

Treat yourself; solo dinner date.

Stickers and street art.

Koi fish in a street fountain.

Two strays bonding.

Smalls Bar.

Hop on the night bus.

Today was a slower pace. I think I needed it. After waking up late in the day, I did some more yoga, chatted with some of the other Hostel guests and dragged my feet to the showers.

I was greeted back in my room by Zina who had decided to spend her last night in the room  I was staying in! Finally a roommate! (by the end of the night, my room was full of new guests in every bed!)

We chatted about our plans for the day and how she had attended a morning cooking class up the street. She told me to check it out and I wrote it on my "to do" list of things to explore. 

She was off to a former student's family house for dinner so we said our goodbyes and she was away. I had slept through normal breakfast and lunch time by anyone's standards and I was dying for something tasty.

I decided to head to the night market a few blocks away. I packed my "Vegan passport" with explanations of my eating requirements written in Thai, my camera, some water, a map, and money before bounding down the three flights of stairs to the Hostel lobby.

The Hostel worker who had given me the map yesterday was at the desk and she greeted me in her normal song bird way. She told me of weekend plans to  travel around Bangkok with friends and asked what I was up to.

I told her about wanting to visit the night Market and she suggested some places to check out. I said my goodbyes and strolled slowly out onto the street. The sun was already beginning to set. So much for trying to visit a park...ahhh well, there's always another time.

I was perfectly content with my laissez fair attitude. I passed more koi fish, some cool street art, hanging trees that reminded me of willows, and a host of pungent smells seeping out of ripped trash bags that lined the streets.

The streets here are so bright. I'm always finding my neck craning upwards at the intricate web of powerlines that are messily bunched together overhead. I see veins, arteries, sinew, spiderwebs, tangled yarn. How much pure energy must be surging above our heads every moment.

The Market was smelly. As a vegan, I'm no longer accustomed to fish and meat odors. It was a raw, putrid, stale smell of death that lingered in the air. It wasn't off-putting,  just not what I was used to. Vendors had elaborate carts lined with fresh fruit and veg, desserts, clothes, steaming woks and every other thing you would imagine at an open market like this. And the stray dogs were everywhere. Cleaning the streets of food and debris.

I found a cute eatery with an open front and tree-lined seating. I was immediately drawn to the warm lighting and mellow lounge music playing from some hidden speakers. I was seated and given a menu. More ice tea, a potato based veg curry (I miss potatoes!!) and a side of jasmine rice.

The waitress reassured me of the vegan-ness of my choices and disappeared into the back. I love eating outside. The mosquitos love ME eating outside too. My legs began to burn with little jabs of itchyness. I didn't mind.

My food came out beautifully presented and I couldn't wait to dig in. I sat staring at the empty chair across the table and had a pang of wanting to share this beautiful moment with someone. I saw the tables around me full of families and friends enjoying their meals. Food is best when shared I always say. I was so used to cooking for mates in Belfast and eating out together. This was new. I tried to encourage myself by thinking, 'before long, you're going to be a pro at this solo stuff girl.' And I meant it. I want to be comfortable in solo day trips, solo travel, solo meals, solo adventures. I don't prefer them by any means...and that's the honest truth. But I want to see the beauty in them. I've always thought that we forget to self-love and so I chalked this meal up to a lovely solo date of appreciation.

After my moment of self-consciousness, I kicked those thoughts out of my head and dug in! I think the pre-meal meditations must have done something...because the feed was AMAZING! I ate slowly (anyone who knows me knows this to be completely unnatural at meal time) and savored every spice, every herb, every juicy morsel of savory veg and grain. Wee sips of ice tea between bites coated my mouth with a sweet citrus that paired nicely with the spice. 

I sat content and grateful for my romantic evening in the muggy Bangkok market. I watched some interesting characters walk in front of my table from every direction, strolling at their own pace to an unknown destination. A good hour must have passed before I snapped out of my trance of soaking up the sights and smells around me. I asked for the bill.

I stopped off at a 'Family Mart' corner store for some food topups for the hostel and to get more BAHT out of the ATM.

As I stepped back out onto the street, the blue light of the shop cast an eerie glow on a stray dog that was staring into my eyes. We stood, facing eachother. not moving. I grabbed my camera and took a snap. I wanted to kiss the dog on the head, but I convinced myself against it and headed back through the Market to my hostel. 

Back at the Restdot, people began to arrive again. My room was full of new people and none of them spoke English except Zina who chose the bunk above mine. She arrived back from her dinner with her former student's family and we chatted about the rest of our days. She told me about a photographer from America who she met on the Hippy Island she had stayed at the previous week. She gave me his website and I was in awe. Chris Davis his name is. I am going to write him tomorrow since he's currently based in Bangkok working on a fashion commercial shoot. Apparently he spent the past three years making a documentary about woman in the sex-traffic industry and dedicated his time rescuing woman who needed to escape. Zina told me about the pure passionate and compassionate vibe he gave off when she met him. It will be nice to connect with another creative type and ask him about his journey. 

We'll see what transpires.

In any case, today was a slower pace than anticipated, but just what I needed. Tomorrow Zina and several of the others from the night before are leaving. This makes my heart sad especially about Zina, but I plan to go to Australia to visit her one day in the future so I gave her my business card.

The life of transient people is a strange one. No one ever stays and that's the way it goes. I think it's a good space for me to be in--letting go and saying goodbye is not my forte. I have a feeling by the end of this journey, I will have endured enough goodbyes for a lifetime. Practice makes perfect I suppose.

I also received an email from a teaching company I had looked into and have a Skype interview tomorrow at 1 to see if I'll be a good fit or they a good fit for me. I look forward to working. For normalcy. For routine, goals, further cultural immersion.

We shall see.

Going to try to catch some sleep in this room of snoring beds :D

until next time,

-DW

Relations.

Cold banana on hot oiled toast is an oddly refreshing Vegan breakfast.

Everyone has two wheels here; my heart flutters every time I hear a rev...my turn will come.

Sneaky shot of two boys in military garb on the sky train.

Lanterns on my walk back to the hostel.

The most expensive cocktail I've probably ever ordered, on the rooftop of the Banyon Tree Hotel; coupled with fried pumpkin bits, wasabi nuts and peanuts.

What a strange day today has been. Let me start from the beginning....

I awoke with the sun streaming through the large window of my hostel room. I wiped my eyes and peered around...still no one to be seen. I rolled out the yoga matt my dad sent to me and decided to dedicate 40 minutes to myself. Beads of sweat ran down my back as I stretched, meditated and contorted my body in the positions I could remember from those classes at Abhyasa Yoga on the Lisburn Road. I thought of Hannah my yogi friend and the instructors who had helped guide my practice for the past two years.

In that moment alone in my room, I was the teacher. I was the student.

After joining my hands to praise my short practice, I whispered 'Namaste' and bowed, with sweat pouring down the matt. It was going to be a scorcher. It's rainy season here, but today was the first day in weeks apparently that not a drop left the skies.

I made my way to the showers and rejoiced in the ice cold water (they don't have hot water in the pipes because who would be mad enough to want warm water in this weather??) and by the time I made it back to my room, a familiar layer of sweat had formulated on my hairline.

After grooming, dressing, and spritzing on a lovely coat of bugspray (now used as my new perfume) I packed my bag, grabbed my camera and headed down to the kitchen to whip up a quick breakfast. I knew my sole mission for the day was to take more photos/videos and to buy a converter for my UK plugs.

There was a new girl at the front desk and she immediately greeted me with,

"Hello!"

I was shocked because the other woman who I met the first day there didn't speak much and her English wasn't very strong.

"Hello! How are ya?" I said in response. But before she could answer, some more customers came down the stairs to check out and she was 'click-clacking' away on the computer.

I toasted some bread and took one of my bananas out of the fridge. A light layer of veg oil on the bread (because who likes dry toast??) and sliced banana was going to have to do for the time being.

As I sat at the kitchen table ready to dig in, the Hostel girl came over and began to chat away.

"So what's your plan for the day?" she asked...genuinely curious as to what this curly haired brown girl was going to rustle up in Bangkok.

"I need to find a power adapter for my UK plugs," I tried to explain.

She didn't understand at first, so I whipped out one of my cords from my backpack to show her and with an "ahhhhh I see", she handed me a map and gave me excellent directions to the nearest mall. She even highlighted my route and told me I'd have to take the "sky train" (overground train system) to get there. 

I thanked her, wolfed down my humble meal and set out into the blaze of Bangkok.

I walked for ages, snapping random sights and crossing under many bridges until I found the right path to the train station. I always doubt my sense of direction, but eventually I made it. I ordered a ticket to the National Stadium (the closest stop to the mall) and climbed the four sets of staircases to where the train picked up. I mentally thanked the heavens for giving me the experiences of the DC Metro and NYC Subway systems to help navigate this mode of transportation.

I had always seen videos of people in India and China boarding trains...ramming themselves on top of eachother to fit in a cabin. Today...I was living it. A sardine in a giant metal tube floating in the sky. It was great! I was able to catch glimpses of the city whizzing past below and of some rivers winding parallel to the trainline structure.

After 15 or so minutes of swaying in the sky, I reached my destination. I hopped off (more like got sucked out with the throng of people) and floated down the stairs to the streets below. I had no clue where I was going despite the Hostel Girl's lovely directions and marked map route. But I had a feeling a sign would point me in the right direction. And literally....one did. I saw a sign for 'TESCO-LOTUS'. I had no clue what that meant and I had to cross some dodgy streets to get to it, but the name 'Tesco' reminded me of Belfast and I was craving the familiar. 

Lo and Behold it was a giant mall! Let me tell you, I've realized that in every country...the one thing that you come to learn is, all malls are the same. A food court. Stalls in the middle of the walkways. Electronics stores. Makeup counters. Jewelry people. It was all there. and for the first time I felt like this place wasn't so different after all.

I hate shopping. I hate malls. But this....this I could do. I wound my way through the different floors; catching escalators upwards and upwards until I found an 'Office Mart'. It didn't take long before I found exactly what I needed. A plug for my UK devices. I also wrangled a tiny flashlight, some batteries for it, and a pack for my insulin pump (which was seeming to be getting lower and lower on battery power).

After checking my bounty out at the counter, I made my way to a beauty shop to find some essentials for my curly locks. No one told me being a Black woman with natural hair in Asia would be such a challenge. I had tried finding oils and creams for my mangled 'do the day I had arrives, but no such luck! Thankfully I found a shop with argon oil and avocado hair cream so I splurged and bought the both of them.

I spent a good hour just looking around the mall, feeling like I had a moment to just breath and turn my brain off. There was a room for thai massages and even an area for people to play video games in the mall. Very peculiar.

After I felt like my brain had been shut off enough, I made my way back out into the hustle and bustle. More motorcycles zoomed by. The rev made my heart flutter. There's something intoxicating about seeing people fly by so effortlessly and recklessly on two wheels. People rode on the sidewalks causing me to side step as I shot video footage. I laughed. Eventually I would get used to this.

I made my way back to the Sky station and my stomach began to rumble. Time to get back to the hostel ASAP so I could charge my laptop and camera batteries and make some dinner. I was pleading with the forest gods above to let me meet people tonight. OH man I was craving some good, long conversation....be careful what you wish for.

I boarded my train and got rammed to the side walls of the metal tube. I didn't mind, my legs were tired and I liked being held up by the force of the people on their commutes home. A throng of boys dressed in military garb boarded and they began to talk over each other. Their noses were deep into their phones and vide games. I began to wonder if they were even listening to eachother. Two boys in front of me were laughing and chatting lovingly and I decided to take a snap with my camera. They didn't notice.

Back at my stop. I got off the train and took more video as I made my way back down to the streets below. I tried to mentally retrace my steps to how I had gotten to this station...but that was hours ago...a lifetime in Bangkok time.

I whipped out my trusty map and as the wind nearly whisked it out of my hands, a woman came up to me and asked in perfect English if I was lost. My heart melted at her kindness. She pointed me in the right direction and gave me a pat on the back as I turned to follow the point of her finger.

Things began to look familiar. Ahhh I remember now. I snapped some photos of koi fish swimming in a fountain and more shots of the cityscape skyline. The sun had began to set. I sighed with relief as a cool breeze whisked away the muggyness of the sticky air.

Back at my hostel I saw the living room table full of people. My prayers had been answered. Folks. So many folks. and I aimed to speak to each and every one of them! but first...food o.o

I made a coconut cream spicy noodle dish with the meager kitchen utensils available and the smells made my stomach leap with excitement.

When I sat at the table to actually eat, the group of people had left except for the girl who worked at the hostel. She sat next to me and we talked about my day and what she does at university. Her English was beautiful. Broken and sweet. She said she doesn't get a chance to practice much, so I eagerly chatted away between mouthfuls of noodle and coconut cream.

A tall, skinny woman of color entered the doors and she sat down across from me and began to eat a banana with a fork and knife. I thought this funny...but I couldn't talk, I was nose deep in my own hodgepodge meal using a spoon to scoop noodles into my face.

She told me her name was Zina and she was from Australia. She was a teacher. I liked her vibe. She invited me to this "tall building with a bar at the top" that she read about in her lonely planet guide to Bangkok and asked if I wanted to join. Of COURSE I did. so I did.

We left and chatted more as we walked the few blocks to the Banyon Tree Hotel (check it out online ya'll...it's seriously shnazzy), we talked about what brought us to Thailand, travels, relationships and who we are as people. Conversation came naturally. She reminded me of my younger self...except she was 36 and way more graceful than I ever was. I liked that I had found another woman of color to hang out with. Both with heads full of curls and both drastically underdressed in bohemian garb for this fancy establishment. I could see the staff eyeing us down as e made our way up up and upwards to the bar on the roof of the building. After a 56 floor ascent in an elevator, there was more steps to be climbed until we finally saw our destination. 

It was glorious. Two shabby ladies crashing a private party. Or so it seemed. But I didn't care. I met someone new and I was going to own this moment. There was a 360 degree view of this giant city and the lights twinkled in the distance. God this place reminds me of LA.

I ordered a peach mango margarita and she a ginger lychee mojito. The waitress brought us some light nibbles of pumpkin chips, wasabi balls, and peanuts. They paired nicely with our tiny drinks.

We conversed more about relationships and her recent travels to a "hippy" island that I "simply must check out!!" and I enjoyed every minute of it. I love hearing others' views of relationships and what love means to them. I could tell our views differed, but that was A-okay. She is a teacher who studied Science, so her life is rooted in facts and figures. And me, a woman of faith and blind belief in the unknown. I told her of horoscopes and the faults with Taurus men for my Sagittarius fire...and I think she enjoyed the mesh of nature and science. 

We finished our drinks and cringed slightly at the 1,400 BAHT bill. 

I asked the waitress to take our photo before we left and she hilariously over-snapped with both of our cameras. I like a person with vigor though.

We made the descent back down to Terra Firma and were greeted at the hostel with the same group at the table from earlier. All giddily drinking and having some good craic. Zina and I agreed to go to 7/11 to buy some booze so we could join in. 

There was new Hostel staff on duty and they agreed to take us since they needed to do a run anyway. One was a woman with short hair, men's clothing and a jolly face. She introduced herslef as Ning and her friend--a tri-lingual girl with glossy black hair and kind eyes--introduced herself as "Tiny Finger" because she was the youngest of her siblings.

We drove the (very) short distance to the shop, got our bounty and headed back. 

After a few drinking games and funny chats, we were well acquainted with Ben from Germany, His girlfriend Nitz from Israel, Chloe (who had been living at the hostel for 2 months because of bringing her jewelry company to Thailand) from Lyon France, Yan from Germany and his girlfriend with an "F" name that I still can't pronounce.

After hours of drinking, listening to music, having the cops come because of noise complaints, wine bottles exploding on the hostel wall and getting bitten by bugs out on the patio, most of the crew scattered for bed. 

It was just Ben and I out back chatting in a calm bubble about life and his relationship with Nitz. I liked her. And I liked him. But as most men tend to do, he offloaded loads to me about his more recent feelings of doubt. All I could see and hear in his face was Tim. It freaked me out, but I stayed. I listened. I heard. and I chimed in when I felt necessary. I liked his honesty. I liked his insecurity. He seemed to know all the answers and what he wanted out of his life...but I don't think HE knows he knows it yet. Only time will tell. 

The sky lightened and the sun rose. Time to end the holy moment we shared. 

So here I am. Listening to the calls of the waking birds, my room fan creating grey noise in the distance. The crew seem to have a plan to go out tonight. I'm hoping to join them, but first I want to spend a day in the park. Walking barefoot and sitting under the shade of a tree. Maybe I'll pack a lunch, maybe I'll bring a book. 

But first....sleep.

Goodnight everyone, and please remember to give your loved ones a hug and kiss for me. All this talk about relationships has got my head spinning. We need to appreciate what we have, show it when we love, and not be afraid of the great unknown.

but then again what do I know?

I'm still learning. I'm still hoping. I'm still healing.

-DW